Crimson Eyed Regret
by Rikku'sBrunetteDouble
Summary: Lulu mourns for Tidus. Collection of Songfic chapters to songs by Evanescence.
1. My Immortal

**Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy, but I do own this story so you can't sue me!**

** My Immortal**

_I'm just so tired of being here. Suppressed by all of my childish fears _

When you faded, it was a sword going through my heart. I was afraid to love again after Chappu died, but you showed me that even fruitless love ending in pain is better than not knowing what it is to love. But everyone and everything I have loved has gone. I just can't do it.

_And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave, because your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone._

When I look to the blue ocean, all I can see are the deep depths of your eyes. The piercing blue gems that I had many times wished to fall into. I suddenly snap back into conciseness and cry. I cry because you are not there to love. I wish you would stop playing with me like this and just go away. And yet I wish you'll stay.

_These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase._

Whenever I cast a spell, I remember the many times that we fought side by side to protect Yuna. I see the sunset and remember the day that Yuna sent the many souls. You came to me for the answer to why there was a sending. I felt my heart skip a beat every time you spoke. But you gazed so admiringly at Yuna. You don't know how I wished that you would look at me like that.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears. And I've held your hand through all of these years. But you still have all of me._

At the Al Bhed Home, it was the hardest thing to tell you the tragic news that I had had to deal with for years. When you cried, I felt tears of my own, but I held them back. Many times I had wished that I was brave enough to outwardly cry, but then, it seemed that I was empty of tears. But I did my best to make you feel better. I knew that it was a small token of kindness, but it was a lot for me. When we fought Evrae I could see the fear in your eyes that it was too late. I cast my strongest spells to help you. I wish you noticed but I fear you hadn't. When we watched Yuna marry Seymour, I don't know if you consciously felt me put my hand on your shoulder, but you seemed to relax when I did.

_You used to captivate me by your resonating light. Now I'm bound by the life you left behind._

When we walked down the long roads, you always were able to smile when our feet got tired and painful. You smiled when you promised Yuna would live. Your laughing eyes were the light in the dark nights. You always smiled in the sad times. I look into my heart sometimes to find you and even now I feel the warmth of your joy and the loving passion of your smile.

_Your face haunts my once pleasant dreams. And your voice has chased away all the sanity in me._

Every night I have the same dream about you. We are running towards each other. When we come close together, you vanish, and I am left to fall on the cold, hard ground, my blood-red eyes spilling tears. And then everything goes dark. I wake up in a cold sweat. Whenever I visit the temple, I hear you singing the Hymn of the Fayth. I then run out crying my eyes out. People find me curled up in a ball, having cried myself to sleep.

_These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase._

I could not feel more pain if I slashed myself with a dagger. Chappu's death must not have been true heartache. I want to die sometimes, but the memory of all our good times together gives me a reason to wake up in the morning and relive them for hours.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears. And I've held your hand through all of these years. But you still have all of me._

I remember one time we were both knocked out by a fiend. I was revived first. You were unconscious, but your eyes were open. Your hand was grasping mine. You were crying. Your face seemed to hold emptiness. I had wished that you felt you lacked me, but it was probably just fear. I took a Phoenix Down and revived you. I looked after you. You watched after me too. When you jumped off and disappeared I know you didn't hear me whisper "I love you," but I hope every day that you just might have noticed my affections. I couldn't tell you how much I loved you if you came back and gave me all the time in Spira.

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone. But though you're still here with me, I've been alone all along._

I sometimes regret ever meeting you and falling in love with you. I keep remembering you and sometimes you appear with me. But I reach over to embrace you, but you disappear and I collapse onto the cold, hard ground, my blood-red eyes spilling tears.

I hope that this is not corny; it's my first songfic, my first romance fic, and first Final Fantasy fic. If you're going to flame, be gentle.


	2. Imaginary

**Imaginary**

_I linger in the doorway of alarm clock screaming monsters come to find me. _

Dawn is breaking. I don't know if it would be worse to stay in my nightmare or wake up and face the new day without you.

_Let me stay where the wind will whisper to me. Where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story._

Igrasp tightly to my dream so I do not have to leave.I lie in a field and listen to the wind and rain as they tell methe storyof the man from Zanarkand, a star blitzball player, who appeared in Spira and became the guardian of High Summoner Yuna. The story I already know so well. The story of you.

_In my field of paper flowers and candy clouds of lullaby, I lie inside myself for hours and watch my purple sky fly over me._

My dreamswith you actually in ithave lessened.Most nights whenwedon'ttry toruninto each other's arms, I am in the field, a seeminglyendless blissbut with a layer of depression. It is my safe house, my only place of happiness, though small happiness.

_Don't say I'm out of touch in this rampant chaos, your reality. In know now what lies beyond my sleeping refuge the nightmare I built my own world to escape._

I have distanced myself from everyone around me, especially my close friends. Every time I look at them I am shot back to the pilgrimage where you smiled and laughed. So full of life. I miss you so much

_In my field of paper flowers and candy clouds of lullaby, I lie inside myself for hours and watch my purple sky fly over me._

I think back to that day in Luca when you promisedYuna that ifshe whistled, you'd come running. I keep thinking about what you would do if I whistled. Itried, but youdidn't come and my dream stayed and remainsempty and alone. Completely and utterly alone.

_Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming, cannot cease for the fear of silent nights. Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming. The goddess of imaginary light._

When you didn't arrive, I noticed the silence. The piercing, deafening silence. Not even the wind blew. So I screamed. I screamedjustto hearsomething. I heard ahigh-pitched wail. I hate the loneliness of my "happy place." It would truly be a happy place, filled with joy and bliss, if only one person were there. You.

_In my field of paper flowers and candy clouds of lullaby, I lie inside myself for hours and watch my purple sky fly over me._

But when you don't come and I am overcome with grief, I just cradle myself in the solitary of my dream, waiting for the dawn to break, where I wake up and face another day without you.


	3. Farther Away

**Farther Away**

_I took their smiles and made them mine, I sold my soul just to hide the light and now I see what I really am: a thief, a whore and a liar. _

Everyone tries to show me sympathy about the loss of you and my grief. They tell me they know how it feels. But the truth is, they don't. Everyone around me who I love and care about is dying, most already dead. To seek shelter in my own sorrow is what becomes. I snap at them. Tell them to go away. A shell is growing around me and I am not letting anyone in. How dare I steal their happiness just like that? How dare you steal mine?

_I run to you, and run away from this hell, call out your name giving up, giving in. I see you there, farther away.  
__  
_I wish that I could see you. Even in my dreams you have faded. I can't take this much longer. I can't escape. I know you are close. So close, yet so far away you are. Why do you do this to me? It hurts with a frozen iciness that no one should have to suffer for a second, but I am being killed by it every day.

_I'm numb to you, numb and deaf and blind. You give me all but the reason why I reach but I feel only air and night. Not you, not love, just nothing. _

I know you are here. I need you. But I can't find you. I call your name. I whistle. My efforts prove fruitless. I cry. You don't know how it feels. To search like a blind, feeling around for support, and finding nothing.

_I run to you and run away from this hell, call out your name giving up, giving in. I see you there, farther away. _

I go to my refuge of slumber, but now it is a fitful slumber. My field of endless bliss has wilted. The wind screams at me. Even the joy I myself created died. A priest said that when I was born, Sin's spirit came in and touched me.It cursed me and made my eyes a bloody, horrible red. I have been cursed and not even in death will it be over.

_Try to forget you, but without you I feel nothing. Don't leave me here by myself. I can't breathe._

I have tried many times to channel my emotions into other things. But I just feel dead. I am the living death without you. My skin has paled even more, and my eyes burn. I am a traveling sickness, plaguing everyone I see with the horrible grief and misery that comes with losing something.

_I run to you and run away from this hell, call out your name giving up, giving in. I see you there, farther away._

I miss you so much. I just want to hold you in my arms and never let go. I do all I can to be near you. But with everything I try, you seem to disappear more and more. I miss you. I love you. Tidus.


	4. Tourniquet

**Tourniquet**

_I tried to kill the pain but only brought more. I lay dying, and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal._

Tidus, I can't take it anymore. I can't keep going on like this. This is the last time I will be crying on this world. I look at the slit in my wrist with the dagger my father gave to me. All my sadness, misery, and angst are leaving my body. I feel so purified of it. But it hurts. It hurts so much.

_I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming. Am I too lost to be saved? Am I too lost? _

I just don't feel right about this though. The memory of your face gave me something to wake up to. Yuna needs me! I won't see them for years! I have to reverse this somehow.

_My God! My tourniquet! Return to me salvation. My God! My tourniquet! Return to me salvation_

My tourniquet is tight. I keep twisting. But the blood keeps flowing. I don't want to die like this! I want to live to a healthy old age. But I want to see you too. I want to die. I must survive

_Do you remember me? Lost for so long. Will you be on the other side or will you forget me?_

Will you be happy to see me in the Farplane? Have you been thinking about me? Tidus please don't have forgotten me. All of my struggle will be in vain and I will be forced to wander alone until the day I am returned to my friends. What if they shun me too? An immortal life of misery is what I will risk to see you. I love you that much.

_I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming. Am I too lost to be saved? Am I too lost? _

This hurts so much. Yevon kill me quick. Let me live. I want to die. I must survive.

_My God! My tourniquet! Return to me salvation. My God! My tourniquet! Return to me salvation._

I don't want to sit here in pain forever. Let something happen to me. I want to die. I must survive.

_My wounds cry for the grave. My soul cries for deliverance. Will I be denied Christ? Tourniquet. My suicide._

My blood flows freely now. I feel so light-headed. I am going to die. Will my soul make it to the Farplane? Will I become a fiend like so many others? Yuna, come send me. I want to die. I must survive.

**(A/N: this chapter stinks. But hey, the lyrics are set and there is nothing I can do about it. Sorry)**


	5. Hello

**Hello**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything! **

**This is one of the only times there will be a switch POV. This switches to Yuna.**

Playground school bell rings again Rain clouds come to play again. 

Dancing. Twirling my staff while winding and dipping through the air. I just practiced my sending dance. I know there is no more need for summoning, but I love the dance ever so. It has its own kind of haunting beauty. It is amazing that something so captivating can represent something so mournful. Like pyreflies. Their sighs are the melody of the ghostly steps. But just now I could feel myself so into the dance, I found myself crying at the end. I had to tell Lulu.

Has no one told you she's not breathing 

I walk into the tent where you live alone. Alone. As my father would say, closed off from everyone else with nothing to depend on. And I found you on the ground. Pale, and bathing in a pool of your own blood. The last of it was trickling out of your wrist. A dagger lies in your outstretched hand. A gash in your wrist. Your eyes staring into the void that is our reality. Dead.

_Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to. Hello._

You were always the one I felt closest to. You were the sister I never had. Always so calm about everything. I admired it and envied it. But I loved you as a friend and a sister. I might even go to the point where I depended on you as a mother. You always took care of me. But in your last days, I couldn't take care of you. Why did you have to leave us?

_If I smile and don't believe, soon I know I'll wake from this dream._

But this can't be real. I keep pinching myself hoping that I'm just having a sick, twisted nightmare. You can't have died, let alone let your life drain away by your own hand. Suicide. That is such an ugly word. An ugly, cold, hard word. But you did it nonetheless.

_Don't try to fix me I'm not broken._

How can I save you? How can I fix you and make it all better. Even if I used up all my magic and gave up everything meaningful to me just to bring you back, I know you would never forgive me. The hardest thing and the most meaningful thing to you. Almost there just to be snatched away right in front of your face.

_Hello, I'm the life living for you so you can hide. Don't cry._

I know I can't bring you back and I won't try. Instead I will live for you. I will savor every moment for you. I swear that I shall always wear a smile on my face even in the darkest of times. It will be hard. But even so, I wish this was just a dream.

_Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping._

But as I watch your eyes go grey, the sinking feeling of truth comes. You are dead and there is nothing I can do about it but smile. Smile for me. But most of all smile for you. For all of these years without you, I will smile.

_Hello, I'm still here all that's left of yesterday._

You loved him so much. I wish I could see Tidus in the Farplane beckoning you home. And I take up my staff to guide your torn, ripped spirit to the refuge where you can finally rest. As I begin the dance, I can hear the pyreflies sigh their song as they are released from you. I always knew you were meant to be set free in the end. Goodbye Lulu. My friend. My bloodshed. My sister.


	6. Taking Over Me

**Taking Over Me**

**I don't own anything except the story and the POV is back Tidus now.**

You don't remember me, but I remember you. I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you.

Love. It seems like such an easy thing. Just a careless word you can toss around. I never saw it that way. Neither did you. It seemed that when I came to Spira, everyone was different. But you always stuck out to me. Lulu. Your blood red eyes, your long dark hair, your stoic atmosphere. I knew from the beginning that you knew exactly what that word meant. That it was important. I admired that in you. I still do. I just wish that this time until I can tell you how I feel wasn't so miserably long.

_But who can decide what they dream and dream I do._

My dreams are haunted by your presence. Everything is dark. I hear the clinking of your belts and the rattling of the beads in your hair. Your breath suddenly appears on my face. Our faces are so close, but then I wake up.

_I believe in you. I'll give up everything just to find you. I have to be with you. To live, to breathe, you're taking over me._

I would go to the ends of Spira to have you with me for just one moment. I love you. All I could focus on in the pilgrimage was you. I tried to tell you. I asked you for guidance. We were knocked out and my hand was on top of yours. I leaned into your hand when Yuna was kissing Seymour.

_Have you forgotten all I know and all we had? You saw me mourning my love for you and touched my hand. I knew you loved me then._

But now I see that I am finally going crazy. It is dark. I hear the clinking of your belts and the rattling of the beads in your hair. Your breath suddenly appears on my face. Our faces are so close. But I am not waking up. This dream will end and I will cry like so many other times. But our faces keep getting closer. Our lips finally meet. I know I'm not dreaming. Your fingers run through my hair. My hands rub up and down your back, caressing you ever so softly. Nothing needs to be said. I love you. It was meant to be.

_I believe in you. I'll give up everything just to find you. I have to be with you. To live, to breathe, you're taking over me._

I whisper to you that I love you over and over. I said I would go to the ends of Spira to have you with me for just one moment. But you are still here when we break away. My hopes have been confirmed. You are here to stay. I feel tears going down my cheeks as I wipe away yours. Your skin is so soft, your face so beautiful.

_I look in the mirror and see your face. If I look deep enough, so many things inside that just like you are taking over._

I am unworthy of you I keep telling myself. You were lost over Chappu for years and I didn't do a thing. Yuna was sad over her pilgrimage and I kissed her. I regretted it the second our lips met. But I realized that I would always love her as my sister and friend. And you could not be replaced by a simple kiss. I am yours. You have the power to help my heart or break it.

_I believe in you. I'll give up everything just to find you. I have to be with you. To live, to breathe, you're taking over me._

I wish that this moment would never end, our lips upon each other once again. I think I would die all over again if you left. Love. That word which can mean so many things. I love you, Lulu. And that is the way it should be.


End file.
